Monday, 1 August 2011

Midge Madness

A quick explanation for passengers on a recent 2120 Inverness-Aberdeen train who may have caught sight out of their window of what looked like a disturbing pagan ritual or possible exorcism.

A perfect storm of circumstances contrived to place me in a ridiculous position. (Oh yeah, Green Dad? Excuses, excuses.)

I’d nipped down to the Electric Allotments to do a quick bit of evening weeding and check on the general health of the veg. Upon arrival I couldn’t help noticing there was only one other allotment mannie there and he made a fairly sharp exit after muttering something about biting.

I’d also forgotten to take a hanky with me. I had meant to after spending most of the day sneezing like Sneezy the dwarf would if he were pushed into a pile of pepper and pollen. Normally I am not given to sneezing.

Not long into my weeding I’d worked up a bit of a sweat and in the absence of a handerchief lifted my t-shirt to mop my brow. That’s when the midgies attacked (this is Nairn for heaven’s sake, not the west coast - what is going on?) and started to eat my ears. It’s also when I started to sneeze violently.

The situation was so serious I dropped my dutch hoe to attempt to restore some sort of order but it was no good.

As I was attempting to get unwedged from my lifted t-shirt while smacking my ears with a pair of gardening gloves and convulsing with great big “achoos” I heard the train trundle by. The driver gave a friendly toot.

I bet you’re hoping this is where I trod on the end of the hoe, causing it to flip up into my face, Sideshow Bob style. Hah! No chance. I’m not an idiot, you know.

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