A while back my brother got me a book called something like Big Lies to Tell Small Kids. Things like if you put a slice of ham into the DVD player a film about pigs appears on the TV.
I also love the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon where Calvin’s dad is trying to persuade him that black and white photographs exist because back then colour didn’t exist. I wouldn’t say we’ve ever really lied to our Toddler but Wife-features and I have certainly discovered the benefits of the euphemism.
TWMBO gets very excited at the prospect of going swimming. Wife-features sometimes goes to the pool of an evening leaving me to do bath and bed. To avoid unnecessary excitement we refer to this activity as Damp Knitting. As in, OK dear, have fun at damp knitting. Don’t forget your 20p for the lockers. TWMBO hasn’t twigged. Yet.
Why Damp Knitting? Wife-featuring already goes out one night a week to a knitting group (it’s just an excuse for cake and a gossip if you ask me) so TWMBO is used to the (truthful) notion of her mum missing bedtime stories because of knitting.
Any day now I expect to be asked what the word “damp” means. We’re getting away with it so far because TWMBO can’t see her mum’s hair is damp when she returns from her so-called knitting. I’ve also managed to persuade her that one of our friends lives in the shop where he works. That’s right - in the bookshop in the “T” section there’s a wee gap and that’s where he sleeps at night. The fact our friend backed me up with this story made TWMBO’s eyes pop with amazement. Clearly Daddy can tell the occasional fibs but if another grown up says it too it must be true.
I know, I know. Sooner or later the tables will be turned.
Teenager Who Must Be Obeyed: But I need the next generation iPad to do my homework.
Green Dad: Whatever happened to pen and paper, mutter, mutter. I don’t believe you.
TWMBO’s friend: She can borrow mine. It must be awful being the only girl in our year without one.
Green Dad: Oh. Really? Poor baby. Okay then…
TWMBO: (To herself) That’ll teach him and his mate for fibbing about sleeping on a shelf. Ha!