Tuesday, 7 June 2011

OPD: Obsessive Pallet Disorder

Since taking on an allotment I’ve changed in the following surprising ways:

1. Previously I had pallet blindness. I knew they existed but wasn’t aware of their multiple applications and ubiquity. These days I see them all the time, in the way that kid in that film sees dead people all the time. Look! There’s one over there right now.

2. I am convinced tomatoes are the true Triffids. Everybody seems to have millions of them in their homes and we’re all desperate to pass them on. I tell you, it’s the plants that are in control, not us.

3. I pay attention to the day’s weather. Previously if you’d quizzed me at the end of the day I’d only have vaguely been aware whether it was sunny or had rained. These days I can usually recall the duration and intensity of any precipitation and whether the lack of this means the tatties need watering before bed.

4. I now understand the futility of hoovering a car boot clean. What’s the point? It’ll only get clarted the next time a sack of mulch goes in.

5. I have compost envy. During a visit to a friend we got into conversation about The Allotment and he beckoned me towards his modest vegetable patch. The highlight was his three box compost system (made from pallets!) containing the most amazing black crumbly soil improver I’ve ever seen. Grass clippings and hen poo, apparently. It looked like used coffee grounds. I’ve already rigged up a pair of Great Escape style trousers in preparation for my next visit. I’ll simply
fill a couple of bags with compost when he‘s not looking. Then, wearing them inside my trousers, I’ll wander back to my allotment and pull the strings in my pockets. Out come the pins. All I have to do is kick it in. The ferrets won't see a thing.

No comments:

Post a Comment