What was it Professor Yaffle from Bagpuss used to mutter? Poppycock and flapdoodle?
Well, apparently, that’s what you’re supposed to feed an ill toddler.
Oh no, wait a minute. It’s bunkum and flim-flam. Widdershins and rumbledethump? Talcum and hogwash? How about Randall and Hopkirk?
The Toddler Who Must Be Obeyed had a tummy bug the other day. An ill baby is a nerve-wracking experience for a new parent. Particularly when you read in the equivalent of the Haynes manual that they should be fed "bland food" when they’re sick - "nothing milky or fatty; indeed ‘junket and flummery’ are recommended".
I’m sorry. What and what?
These instruction manuals that come with babies are supposed to be clear and reassuring, not full of dodgy sixes and risky eights from Countdown.
Anyway, after twenty-four hours of nothing more than soya milk and grapes the wee one was peachy again. Indeed she felt the need to catch up and kept us awake till 10pm and gave us a 5am start the following day. (I say ’us’. Wife Features’ recollection of events may differ. In which case I’m not saying anything until my solicitor gets here.)
Reading about funklet and jummery (it turns out one is a traditional Scottish dish involving, surprise surprise, oats and takes at least 48 hours to make, and the other has brandy in it - perfect if you want your kid steaming - mind you, it is the Keith Floyd recipe I found) reminded me of the bizarre and occasionally inappropriate foods tucks TWMBO has enjoyed. The manuals say not to worry about toddlers refusing to eat delicious, nutritious meals - just keep trying different things and eventually some will find favour.
To date our little gastro-gnome has scoffed cocktail sausages, stringy processed cheese, cappuccino foam, shortbread dunked in ketchup, kipper on cream scone and possibly a couple of jingly bells from the Christmas tree.
But her taste buds are in for an explosion… For Christmas dinner desert: Butterscotch Angel Delight.